Hope Was All I Had Left

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The impossible started to feel possible.

by Kirsty

Arriving at Hope

Hope. The first word I read when searching for Rehabs in Thailand. It spoke volumes, as at that point in my life, Hope was all I had left.

Arriving at Hope was surreal, sitting alone in the Boat House, I couldn’t even begin to process how my life had come to this. I was lost. Completely and utterly lost and broken, in both mind and soul. With 2 failed rehabs under my belt, the concept of 3rd time lucky, the thought of surviving 90 days of treatment, felt impossible.

That said, if I was going to do this, fly to the other side of the world, leaving my young son behind in England, then I had to start as I meant to go on.

I had given myself one last shot, one last chance to save myself. I showed up for myself that day and showed up for myself every day after, for 92 days. I figured, if I could show up for myself in treatment, then I had a fighting chance of showing up for myself in recovery.

Fight of My Life

This was made possible, because of my phenomenal Counsellor, Nic. Nic came into my life and saw me, when I could barely recognise myself anymore. The authentic me, she met me “where I was at”, guided me through every process, every step of the way, listened and allowed me the space to be truly honest, for the first time in my life. The impossible started to feel possible. Nic taught me how to feel again, bringing such rational clarity to my life.

I learned that getting sober was the 1st step to treatment, however it is not what fixes you. Day by day, she slowly broke down my walls and handed me back all of the broken parts of me that I had been running from my whole life.

I was shown every flaw, every wound, every regret and fear, every hidden part of me that I have spent years and years pretending didn’t exist. I needed to be ready to “go there”, in order to let go and live again. I was ready to “fight the good fight”, but equally aware that this really would be the fight of my life, if I was to achieve sobriety.

My Recovery Began

Through treatment, I realised I wasn’t scared anymore, that the fear had gone. That’s when my recovery began, when I stopped running and let all the hurt catch up.

I was ready to peel back the layers of pain, regret and shame that I had suppressed over the past 20 years. I faced it all, the good and the bad and slowly pieced it all back together again, only in the right order this time.

Nic said to me once “not many Kirsty’s walk into Hope” well, not many Nic’s have walked into my life. I am a firm believer that people come into your life “for a reason, a season or a lifetime”. Hope, Nic, came into my life for a reason, which I will cherish for a lifetime. Thank you, will never be enough.

Life at Hope

Along with the incredible Counsellors, was a world class team of people supporting us. Together, they gave us the tools we never knew we needed and taught us lessons we thought we already knew!

From Support Staff, to Managers, Nurses, Interns, Kitchen Staff, Cleaners, groundmen, masseuses, to the drivers that ran us around endlessly, back and forth, making sure that we were safe and where we needed to be.

Hope wasn’t just a Community of people brought together from all ends of the world, it was a family away from home. From day 1, you are welcomed with open arms, cared for, looked after and loved like one of their own. The team are on hand around the clock, providing medical, physical and psychological support, 24 hours a day.

Being a single woman, travelling alone in a foreign far away country, I have never felt safer. I was collected and dropped off at the airport, had access to a secure safe to hold important documents and money and my VISA requirements were organised and met by the Hope team

It goes without saying the food and service was world class, far better than any 5 star resort I have stayed in and the accommodation was exceptional!

Mindfulness, Gratitude, and Spirituality

Therapy changed my life! Mindfulness taught us the life skill of self awareness. Meditation, teaching us the art of being with one’s self, finding stillness and calm in the chaos. Daily Gratitude, keeping ourselves in the moment, appreciating all that we value and appreciate in life. Dharma, teaching us the beauty that is found in Buddhism.

Buddhist teachings opened my mind to the fact that maybe, just maybe, there was something to the spiritual lifestyle I was learning so much about. I started to realise there was indeed a Power far greater than myself, by following a spiritual path, which didn’t conflict or question my personal and religious beliefs. It simply brought me peace, humility for others and self love and compassion for ourselves.

We were taught Yoga, Breath work, Stretch and Trauma Release, experienced Massage Therapy, Sound Bowels, the list is endless.

Getting Well

We were educated in the importance of Physical Health in recovery and the positive effects it has on your mental wellbeing, self confidence, self care and self worth.

In addition to the amazing 1-2-1 Counselling sessions and all that was available above, was the amazing Programme. From Group Therapy, to Women’s Group, Mindfulness 1-2-1s, Recovery Plus, CBT, NA Meetings, AA Meetings, Dharma Recovery, Community meals out, Pizza Take-away nights, Street-food days, trips to the Beach via speed boat, SPA days out, massage and beauty treatments, shopping trips, trips to the Night Market, visits to the Temples, Churches, Sanctuaries, Reservoir and Mountain walks, Community team work, events and activities, Muay Thai Boxing, Personal Training sessions, Badminton, Cycle rides, Recovery Talks, Pool time and Games, Candlelight Meditation, culture events and activities, festivals, engagement with the Monks.. all of which are extended further, once you reach the Advanced stage of treatment.

Aspects of the Hope Program

Every single aspect of the Programme has a message. It is designed in a specific way for a reason, each part is in place for the purpose in aiding your recovery.

My self arrogance and denial, told me that I knew better, but my way didn’t work. Having learnt the ability of “letting go”, accepting help, being open minded to ideas and change, being teachable, having humanity, having willingness to adapt and grow, surrendering all past beliefs and embracing Hope, has saved my life. That said, we cannot do it alone, we do recover, together.

I spent 20 years telling myself it’s “only alcohol” , not drugs, so it’s not a big problem. Within 30 days, I finally accepted that I am an addict. I am an alcoholic with addictive behaviours, obsessive, compulsive and self centred. That’s what I am, but it doesn’t define who I am anymore. I am an addict, and you know what, that’s OK!

I learned to wake up in the morning and get up before my addiction. Embrace everything that was offered to me, even if you take one thing from it, do what is asked of you and you will see that it really does work!

With the right tools and lessons learnt, I can now separate between me as an addict and me as a person. I have learnt that if I have this awareness and acceptance, if I follow the simple steps I have been taught, then recovery is possible.

I didn’t go to Hope because I was well. I went to Hope to save myself, to get “better”, so in time everything and everyone would fall back into place. Healing takes time, however my time at Hope was time well spent.

Greatest Gift

One of the greatest gifts was learning to forgive myself, to have empathy for others and to let go of all the hurt, the pain, resentment, regret and shame, which is liberating beyond words! I have reinstated my core values, I thought I had lost at the bottom of a bottle. I remain compassionate, honest, I uphold my own integrity, I have discipline and structure in my life and have courage. Above all, the bravest thing I did was forgive myself and others, whilst maintaining self love.

I haven’t cried and laughed as much in 20 years, then I did in the 90+ days I was at Hope. It is surreal how quickly Hope became home. I was sad to be leaving Hope and all of the amazing people I met along the way. My advice is to embrace it all, even when your heart is aching!

Since being at Hope, I now have the capability to live life on life’s terms, taking it one day at a time. This will not only keep me clean and sober, but will keep me on the road to recovery.

After Hope

Going on to the Sober House wasn’t an option for me, as I so desperately missed my Son and needed to get back to the UK. That said, those that have taken the opportunity to progress on to Embrace, have said how amazing it is!

Since leaving Hope, the after care support has been incredible. I attend weekly scheduled meetings and follow the NA programme. I am living proof that if I can do this, anyone can! Recovery is possible and we DO recover together!

I arrived at Hope broken and lost, I left with clarity, awareness, strength and structure, feeling stronger, healthier, happier and hopeful for the future! My time at Hope was nothing short of incredible, at times it feels like a dream, a dream that came true for this addict!

I can’t recommend Hope enough, so if you’re feeling lost, know that there is always Hope in the world! (excuse the pun)

It works, if you work it! Treatment, Recovery, Hope, won’t kill you, but it may just save your life!

“If nothing changes, then nothing changes” – Kirsty, 42 – London.

Forever grateful, forever humble, happy, joyous and free