I’m excited to live NOW…..by Parice
Nearly 11 weeks at hope and I am sat on a Thai bus travelling back from a few days at the sober house. I used to struggle getting a bus in the Uk alone I hated to be alone I’d be anxious and it would trigger me to use.
Yesterday I walked around Nong Nooch (tropical botanical garden) on my own buying soft drinks from drink stalls that also where selling a range of alcohol a few months ago I would have said fuck it I’m alone and I can get away with it but I am doing this for me now I choose not to drink because it creates a happier life for me.
I do not have to use today and I am not missing it, I missed me more and I am starting to find me again.
I look back over the last 11 weeks and I do see a big change.
Hope is different from my last rehab before I didn’t face myself I just worked hard to manipulate and pass the days so I could go back to my relationship. My dishonesty remained and I didn’t own my behaviours.
At hope I am doing the steps and they have given me a chance to lay out my emotions, resentments and my life.
Iv seen my powerlessness of my drug use and I am owning my actions yea they where not ok and yes iv hurt a lot of people and myself but that’s my past and my actions have shaped me into the person I am today.
My first few weeks at Hope….i was so anxious id walk into groups and fall apart my guilt and shame was too much for me I was a broken little girl.
I was using drugs to create a blanket for my emotions.
At home I couldn’t and wouldn’t face my emotions I was weak I was trapped.
I’d sit in my room for weeks using cocaine and drinking to excess not eating , self harming and hurting anyone who tried to stop me.
I was running and I couldn’t pick my feet up of the ground.
Nothing was enough no one could help or stop me and I couldn’t save myself.
I couldn’t see the light rehab didn’t work for me before I had the money to go to one from gambling but that just enabled me to use more.
I was searching and searching looking for answers my using was just increasing and I was just hoping id have a heart attack and die.
I never want to forget my rock bottom I do not want another I am so scared of my addiction it controls me and takes over my life and I only have 1 and I cant loose it again.
So how am I now..
I’m smiling I’m happy I’m being told by new people I am an inspiration and that I’m positive influence haha how crazy is that when I arrived my negativity was so strong but I arrived willing I didn’t wanna die.
I do daily gratitude’s now which before the word gratitude wasn’t even in my vocabulary.
I do abc’s to challenge my negative triggers and I say positive aphimations to myself which I’m starting to believe, I am a strong, intelligent , beautiful being ????
Buddhist principles are amazing to me I try to follow them daily.
I want to be honest, giving , loving and non judgemental person. Yeah I am no guru I’m not perfect but that is what makes life beautiful I get to know myself more daily.
I now meditate, I’m mindful and I ground myself.
When I have a bad day I don’t have to use I can face it.
I never used once before I arrived and last week I took a meditation group.
I have faith I have a loving higher power now that in itself is mad.
Before I decided to come to hope I checked out other rehabs in the uk and they where 12 step and did no forms of exercise so I crossed them of my list. I came to hope because it had a range of everything and exercise was part of the programme. Now I exercise at 6.30am daily and pray day and night. Before I came here I exercised once every months if that!
I have a routine I have a rough plan I don’t exactly know my future and what I am going to do next but that’s okay I don’t have to control everything anymore.
I know my defects now and my higher power helps me with that and I help myself. Iv chosen to live and I am living.
In 2 ½ weeks il be at home being a honest, loving daughter,sister,friend and auntie I’m excited, I’m excited to live now.
I have acceptance I’m more able to let things go and I’m confident again.
I feel alive again I am no longer a shell of Parice I am Parice and I am willing to learn more about me. I am not perfect but why would I wanna be, I’m me.