The Filth and the Fury - The Toxic Relationship Between Addiction and Anger
Anger is an energy.
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Anger is Not the Enemy – Our Relationship With Anger Is the Problem
Anger is the sledgehammer of emotions. It certainly has its uses, but when unutilized at the wrong time, or by somebody who lacks skill, the results can be devasting. Anger gives us the courage to stand up to injustice, but it can equally be the driving force behind injustice (causing pain for other people as well as ourselves) . Yes, this inner fury can make us brave, but it can just as easily turn us into a tornado that destroys everything in its path. Anger is not the enemy, rather, it is our relationship to it that is the problem (more on this below).
The Danger of Anger for Those Recovering From Addiction
It is the potential for this intense emotion to make us impulsive and irrational that makes it particularly toxic for those with addiction issues. We can do things when we are angry that we would never consider if clear-headed. It can be like something animalistic takes over the controls in our brain. All reason gets left behind and suddenly picking up a drink or drug can appear perfectly reasonable.
Even if an outburst doesn’t lead directly to a relapse back to addiction, it can still sow the seeds for a future fall. Our behaviour when full of rage can destroy our relationships, our reputation, and our opportunities in life. It can leave us full of shame, embarrassment, and regret.
You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.
Buddha
Anger in Recovery
It can be a major disappointment for those of us who quit alcohol and drugs to discover we still struggle with intense emotions like anger. The substance abuse was undoubtedly a major source of misery in our life, but it didn’t occur in a vacuum. The reality may have been that it was our inability to handle emotions that drove us to drink and drugs in the first place. This can mean that when we get clean and sober, our emotional development may still be that of a teenager.
It is disheartening to make such a huge effort to turn your life around only to then have to deal with the fallout of an outburst. If the accusation “you haven’t changed at all‘ isn’t there in the words of other people, it can certainly be there in our own minds. This is where we need to take a breath and be a bit more realistic about our situation. Our problem isn’t that we are ‘bad people’ or that we have failed in our attempt to transform but that we have never developed the skill and insight needed to deal with anger. This is something we can now remedy because we are in recovery. Escaping addiction doesn’t fix all of our problems, but it can put us in a situation where we can begin to.
Our Troubled Relationship With Anger
As we have seen, it is not anger that is the problem, but our relationship with it. This basically boils down to three issues; our inability to recognize the early stages of anger, our tendency to use it to cover up other emotions, and the behaviors that get triggered when we are overwhelmed by it. Let’s look at these issues in more detail.
Our inability to admit that we are angry can mean that it builds up to explosive levels. This is partially due to our belief that it needs to be rational. Something minor happens that triggers an anger reaction, but we tell ourselves things like “I’m just being silly”. All this does is push the anger down. We also have bullshit beliefs such as: “being angry means I’m a bad person”, or “I’m failing at recovery”, or “I’m not spiritual enough”. Anger is a reaction our body has that has nothing to do with our beliefs and ideas. It just needs to be recognized, and it will pass. If we refuse to recognize this emotion, it will continue to build until it consumes us.
Our inability to handle anger triggers certain habitual behaviors, and it these that get us into trouble (we go into more details of these behaviors in this post). These negative habits often originated in childhood (e.g. tantrums), and they can be highly destructive when done by adults. These behaviors are not things we would engage in when clear-minded, they get triggered when we are overwhelmed. This is what makes them so dangerous and disturbing.
Some of us can appear to others as basically balls of anger. It can be like anger is our go-to response to any challenge .This happens because we have learned to cover other emotions with anger. Take fear for example, many of us discover that anger can actually make us feel less fearful, so we begin to use this as a way to escape fear. Another example would be the feeling of rejection, it can be easier to feel angry at a person than face the sadness we feel at the rejection.
Dealing with Anger in Recovery
- The answer is not to get rid of anger, but to learn how to handle anger.
- We need to improve our ability to recognize we are angry before it gets out-of-control (practices like body-scans can help with this).
- We need to be willing to admit when we are angry (we are not just being silly).
- Breathwork (e.g. box breathing) can be great for anger management.
- For people in early recovery, it is particularly important to not take action (e.g. replying to an email) when we are experiencing anger. Wait until things have calmed down before taking action.
- Mindfulness can be particularly good at eliminating the damaging behaviors that get triggered by anger.
- We need to begin facing the emotions that we have been using anger to hide from.
As you can see, just ending your addiction is unlikely to be enough in itself to guarantee a better life in recovery. This is rehab can be so important, so we can begin dealing with things like anger. If you would like to find out more about what we offer here at Hope Rehab Thailand, please contact the team.
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