The topic at one glance
- “People judged me based on how I behaved rather than how I saw myself.”
- A study showed that the brain registers feelings of rejection in the same part as physical pain.
- Two strategies that will help you deal with the pain of rejection.
Hiding Mister Nice
A friend once told me I had this vibe about me that pushed other people away. I was hurt by this comment, and it bothered me for years afterwards. Why couldn’t other people just see I was a nice guy? Sure, I could be a bit arrogant, and I was cautious about those who felt like a threat to me (almost everyone) but surely those who knew me could see beyond that to the ‘real me’.
It seems so obvious now, but it took me a long time to understand that people judged me based on how I behaved rather than how I saw myself. If I acted cold and judgmental it meant others would just assume that was who I was and they would probably not want to be around me too much. It was unreasonable to expect others to understand I was just protecting myself – it was unrealistic to just expect people to see beyond my defenses.
The Fear of Rejection
The feeling of rejection can be one of the most difficult things we have to deal with in life. The fear of it may be hardwired into our psyche over millennia because in the past rejection could easily mean death (e.g. it may have been almost impossible to survive if you were kicked out of your tribe).
One study at Columbia University used an MRI scan to see what changes occurred in the brain when people experienced rejection. The results showed the parts of the brain that lit up were the same as for physical pain. Rejection really does hurt us.
Handling Rejection Badly
The fear of rejection is likely within all of us and perhaps the main way we differ is how we handle it. Some of the strategies I used over the years included:
- Using alcohol to numb the pain of rejection
- Keeping people at a distance
- Never fully opening my heart to friends – always holding something back
- Arrogance
- Regularly changing social circles
- Pretending I didn’t care what people thought even though I actually felt incredibly sensitive
- Reverse-snobbery (e.g. believing educated people had no common sense)
- Pre-emptive ending of relationships if I felt there was a risk of rejection
- Ignoring people if I suspected they might ‘look down’ on me
- Always ‘doing my own thing’ even when it meant being lonely
These strategies may have seemed to work at the time, but it also meant damaging my relationships. It meant I didn’t develop long-lasting friendships, and I never felt fully comfortable around even those I considered friends. My reaction to the fear of rejection impoverished my life, and I could never find peace until I found better strategies for dealing with it.
How to Deal with the Pain of Rejection
The following two strategies allowed me to better deal with the fear of rejection
- Self-soothing the somatic feeling of rejection when it arises and not getting lost in the story of what has triggered it
- Realizing that it is far more important for me to like others than for them to like me
I will go into more detail about these strategies in the next post.
Other Topics That Might Interest You
Summertime Blues – Depression, Anxiety, and Addiction Issues
A lack of love for the summertime may just be down to personal preference, but it can also be due to an underlying disorder or because we’ve had bad experiences at this time of year. Summer can bring out the worst in us, and this is particularly the case if we have some kind of addiction issue.
The Tea Ceremony – A Mindfulness Practice with Niina – Episode 52
In this episode of the podcast, we discuss a wonderful meditation practice that can benefit both the person performing the tea ceremony and those observing it.
Ibogaine Rehab in Thailand
There are people who have found ibogaine treatment to be useful in overcoming drug addiction, but it certainly does not appear to work for everyone. There are also potential dangers associated with it that anyone considering it needs to take into account.
Recovery from Covid Anxiety, Depression, and Addiction
Covid 19 has been like a massive storm that has passed through our lives and, at least for some of us, left behind lasting damage. Anxiety issues, depression, and substance abuse may be another obstacle that some of us will need to face.
May Day in Thailand- Stop Yearning for a Better Life and Begin Living It
May is the time of year when one season transforms into another, and this month can also be when you begin your own special transformation.
Easter – A Time for Redemption
Easter is when Christians around the globe celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Recovery offers the chance of a new life following addiction. It is a type of resurrection.
